Friday, March 7, 2008

Too Much Help

I want to be approachable. I want for people to offer a hand. I want people to interact with Ben. In other words I want everyone out there to treat us like they would any other mother and son they see. Except for today. I, in my ignorance, thought it would be easier and faster to go into a kid luring french fry haven at lunch time today. The drive thru line was so, so long and we were on a tight schedule to make it from physical therapy to school. I really had no idea that Ben would see the play place and walk, no run, away toward it while nearly tearing off his jacket. My response to this action was an off handed call out for him to leave his coat on because we couldn't stay; we were on our way to school. He turned around so suddenly to object that he fell. And you know what? Everyone wanted to help. I had three people try to tell me what had happened, two people offer to help us out with our order and two more people trying to sooth Ben's tears with treats. Everyone reached out a helping hand with not a blink of that uncomfortable look that we often get when people realize that Ben is not a typical kid. And I was grateful and thankful and offered explanation to all questions that needed answering and inside I was screaming. LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME DEAL WITH THIS! HE IS MAD AND SAD AND NOW HE FELL AND IS SO EMBARRASSED AND I AM ADDING INSULT TO INJURY EXPLAINING TO YOU WHAT IS GOING ON INSTEAD OF DIFFUSING THE SITUATION AND TAKING CARE OF MY SON. Interesting huh? I have spent the last five years wishing for just this reaction to Ben and when I got it, it frustrated the daylights out of me. I wanted to be grateful but it made me so sad. A conflict of emotions that I couldn't wrap my head around. The utter sadness that we are in need of or warrant that attention. My inability to make it all better made me feel different even when others were treating us as if we weren't. I can kiss his head but I can't take away the cause of the fall. CP sucks.


Heike said...

Yeah. It sucks big time.

You want people to treat your kid like any other, but really, you just want that shitty cp to go away.

All i can say Shannon, is that i know how you feel.

Thinking of you... Hugs and kisses from Sydney

Kathryn said...

oh gosh. I agree cp does suck and so does falling in front of people especially when you are a kid and then you put some cp in there and fall more than your share or in Ellie's case bat yourself in the face when you are just trying to sign to mama or bop you nose with you toy just because you are trying to look at the other side of it and ouch. Tears from that kind of thing that you can't prevent and is because of cp really does tear out your heart as a mother. I hear you. Sigh. Hugs.