Monday, November 26, 2007

Staying positive

I really hate following up a hopeful post with one that is not as positive. I really strive for a half full outlook on life. I have spent enough time in the land of fear and sadness that I don't like it there and know how easy it is to slip into that cement leg feeling that makes it hard to get out of bed. When I refer to the little things I mean vacuuming, other peoples bad attitudes, and little arguments that didn't need to happen. Illness is never a little thing. Ben is sick. He has had a cold for a while now and we keep hoping that it will be just that, a cold. Well it's not. The fear that we have been pushing away is always lurking and pulling at the edges of that place that parents with children who get REALLY sick don't like to go. It is an awful feeling putting on a face for your baby to keep him away from the fear that once again he won't be able to fight a cold like everyone else. It is just a stupid cold for goodness sake. A cold that has made him unable to cough because he is so fatigued. A cough that has blurred the line between cough and vomit. Vomiting through Zofran on a new fundo because he is so full of mucus that every cough makes him gag. A fundo that may not be tight enough because not only are we not supposed to vomit be are we supposed to be able to this soon? Some good friends are posting about loss right now and it is amazing what it applies to. It is the feeling that you get every time your child isn't typical. It is the heart break that you feel when you know that your perfect child will probably end up in the hospital again because of a stupid freaking cold. Then you wrap up your post, let out one last sob, dry your eyes and go back to the trenches and fight for your children. It's what any mother would do for her babies.

1 comment:

Allison said...

Oh honey, everything you are feeling is so normal. You are such a good mommy. You are devoted day in and day out and you love these crazy kids more than you could have ever imagined. You love them and you make them thrive. Being scared is OKAY and you should be able to feel that way. This too will pass and you will go on to the next challenge. Sometimes you just need to drop a few tears on that cheerleader outfit.