Monday, December 5, 2011

"What do you want?"

"So what so you want?"
I would like a large order of deck that is not rotting off the back of the house, ready to fall off at any moment...a roof that isn't leaking directly into the main bathroom AGAIN since we just replace the entire roof a few years ago...hmmm...a furnace that doesn't miss fire and run endlessly without heating...and a side of non-dripping kitchen faucet. Oh, and can you add door knobs for the front and back door that actually have working mechanisms so we can use them instead of relying only on the dead bolts? For dessert I would like a ramp and hand rails on the front porch and an adapted bath. Thanks.
Dave was actually wondering what I wanted for dinner.
"I know," he says.
We got Chinese.
Every one of these things are on "the list", not the little can be tackled today list but the BIG list. This list has to wait, for what, I'm not sure. For a windfall. For us to finish paying off old debt to make new debt. For me to finish school to get a job. For me to find some spring of inner motivation that drives me to refurbish and...We'll let that thought lie. I'm not a carpenter so even given proper motivation, I'm not going to build a deck. Motivation could take me a long way though and I have been doing some searching for what it is going to take to get it back. Where did it go for that matter?
If the question was properly worded (where did mom's energy go?) my kids might tell you it was sucked out of me. They have heard me say it feels just like that when they are forgetting to love each other. That is exactly what it feels like when my little family, which is so "normal" in so many ways is just not "normal" in any way. I get it, parenting is hard. There are no instruction manuals blah blah blah but there is no place for those of us who don't fit to carve out a niche and get comfy. There is no down time to get your bearings and fix your brain so you can deal with things like door knobs. How can you explain to anyone that Ben's day yesterday was so exceptionally exhausting. How many times I was right there molding the day to make it manageable for him and us because I knew he was so excited that it was his dad's birthday. The amount of effort that it takes to make our world feel effortless is crazy. Maybe that's where my motivation went.
Every now and then Dave and I have a conversation that takes one of two turns. The first is when Ben has had a  particularly hard time around other kids and Dave is reminded that Ben isn't a typical third grader. The second is when Dave completely forgets that Ben is anything but just another regular old kid. Both conversations kind of break my heart. I think we have these conversations because Ben has different levels of interaction. Dave sees snippets of the day so sees different sides of Ben. I however, sit more square in the center. Seems like a more balanced place to be, but that's just it, its a balancing act always. I guess that's what we all do really. It is this crazy balance between need (you do not actually need working door knobs and the deck hasn't fallen off yet) and creating a warm loving home for our whole family (water dripping on Kiera's head in the bathroom doesn't count). It is so crazy important that Ben get what he needs to thrive in this brutal world that he has been thrust into but he has this wonderful, brilliant, strong, opinionated little sister who needs him to show her the way through it as well.
Back to motivation...Haven't gotten very far on that one, but I have begun my effort to reduce brain clutter. You're looking at it. My mom used to tell me to go clean my room. If I think of my room as this crazy thing that has turned into my life, I guess I better get started.

No comments: