Monday, December 22, 2008
I began this blog, officially, almost 2 years ago now. My first entry was just a little "I'll give this a try" kind of thing. Then I didn't touch it for months. My next entry was when I found an outlet for the turmoil that often goes with special needs decision making. It was my attempt to sort and deal with my struggle in deciding to go ahead with Ben's Nissen Fundoplication. Today I scheduled Ben's surgery for a re-do Nissen Fundoplication. Notice how I haven't linked to it? I don't want you to feel compelled to follow a link and read about how much this will suck for Ben. Search away if you like but be warned, when I say it sucks, I mean it. After his hospital stay and doctor follow up we were really hoping to be one of those cases that are free and clear for years. We are, or rather Ben is not free and clear by any means. We are officially symptomatic (no appetite, refusal to eat, vomit, abruptly stopping eating due to pain, vomit, weight loss, complaints of gas pain, complaints of stomach pain, more vomit, weakness and lethargy, hiccups that make him sick, mama it hurts when I eat, can you make my tummy stop hurting, please don't make me eat...). So here we are again. I'm sad. Really sad for him. I hate that I am saying "go ahead and do it again". I hated it the first time and hate it just as much now. I am not only sad, I'm angry. Hy heart hurts and then for good measure lets add some guilt. I hate this...
Monday, December 8, 2008
There is rarely a day that I don't wonder if I am making good choices. I think that may be the nature of the parenting beast. We (parents) are giving all sorts of responsibility that m a y b e some of us thought we had planned for but in reality the plan and the actual amount of decision making just don't match. We go from freedom to goof up our own lives as much as we like with the idea that we can recover from a mistake if we make it to, if-you-don't-make-good-choices-someone-might actually-die, in the wink of an eye. We usually begin OK. We feed our babies, we change our babies, we hold our babies but then things get more complicated. The questions looking for answers are more complex. The answers often wallowing in that grey area of many OK answers but a few better ones. The trick with the grey area is that the better answers don't actually show themselves unless you don't pick them. My answer to this has been to listen to my gut. But (big but) my gut speaks very softly at times. Well my gut wasn't speaking up when a job all but bit me in the butt so I followed the "can't ignore what is dropped in your lap" theory and went after the job. And got it. I am the new parent educator for a parent/child program in our school district. Now, I am pretty sure that I have lost my mind. Ben hasn't been healthy for a whole week in...goodness...weeks? Over a month. That child has not made it through a full week of school in over a month and I got a job? I'm nuts. On the bright side...naa let's just leave it at I'm nuts : )